Hi! My name is Keri McCallum, and I am a mother in recovery. I was born and raised in Worcester, MA. Everyone has a story, and mine isn’t a fairytale but I will no longer let my past define who I am or be used against me. Despite what everyone thinks growing up things were not easy for me. On the outside things always seemed to be fine but on the inside things were not. I truly believe trauma, and metal health were my gateway into substance use disorder. I grew up in an environment where you didn’t really talk about your feelings, and you were just expected to kind of “suck it up”. So that is exactly what I did, I bottled everything inside until one day it just finally exploded.

Growing up I couldn’t get enough of substances, didn’t matter what they were, I just wanted more because I finally felt numb and that voice inside my head was finally quiet. That was all I ever wanted was to not feel those feelings anymore and to not experience pain especially emotionally or mentally. My substance use disorder quickly turned into opiate use disorder and the start to my story was not unique. It started in a doctors’ office which is what we hear far too often. That was close to 15 years ago, I had torn my ACL while intoxicated and while I was in tremendous physical pain, although it was my emotional pain that was killing me. Quickly my addiction took away everything I had ever worked for or loved in this world.

I lost my chance at college, I lost my chance at my first career, I lost real friendships, I lost the trust and respect of my family, I lost loved ones, I lost numerous cars and homes, I lost my moral compass, I lost my interests & my hobbies, I lost the sense of who I was as a human being, I lost my chance to be a mother to my daughter in the beginning years of her life, I lost my self-respect, I lost time … so much time, worst of all though I had lost hope, my faith, and my will to live. Although I was scared to die, I was far more afraid of living.

The trauma, shame, guilt, and stigma I experienced in active addiction made it so I couldn’t recover, well it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of recovering and I had no idea even how to or if it was even possible. I had done so much damage I truly felt like the world, my family, my friends, my daughter were better off without me. I also had tried so many times to stop using and I could never get more than a few days before I was obsessing over when the next time would be. It was like every trip to treatment and every relapse made it seem like recovery was even farther away than it was the first time. Even within the world of treatment there was so much stigma especially around pregnancy and medication it made me feel like I didn’t belong there either. They say if someone isn’t ready for help then it won’t work which I do believe to be true, but that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t try to help others or themselves because you never know when someone will be ready for that help.

I had been through so many different treatment programs, tried every medication under the sun twice, I had gone out of state for geographical change, I tried detox, CSS, TSS, PHP, IOP. halfway homes, three-quarter homes, transitional housing, MSR, NA, AA, SMART Recovery, etc. I truly felt like a lost cause that there was no hope for me, I was just going to end up another statistic lost to overdose. But I constantly thought about my daughter growing up without her mother and the pain that would cause her, and would that lead her to substance abuse? I knew I had to break the cycle, but I didn’t know how too. One day I woke up very tired I just didn’t have the strength to carry on living how I had been, so I surrendered and went to detox once again. Something was different this time, but little did I know that there was another tiny human growing inside me.

When I got to detox, they shared with me that I was pregnant and unfortunately because of that I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t believe what they were telling me! I couldn’t get it together to take care of myself or my daughter, how was I going to get it together for a new baby? I remembered a few kind people who tried to help me when I was pregnant with my daughter and reached out to them for help. Once I got into care with them things changed for me completely. For the first time in a long time, I was treated with respect, dignity, kindness, and no one passed judgement on me. They helped me navigate local resources and connect me the support I needed. I remember being so afraid that they were going to take away my son every single day of that pregnancy and how that fear could either cripple me like it did in my first pregnancy or I could use that fear to fuel the fire I needed to fight for myself, my children, my family, the chance I deserved to be a mother. So many mothers have been robbed of that opportunity and continue to be and that is what I wanted to fight for. I have watched so many moms go through such traumatic experiences of having their children removed and seen the effects it has on families and know how hard it is to come back from that. That is why I am now a Recovery Coach that works specifically with pregnant and post-partum women with substance use disorder whether in recovery or active addiction. It is my passion to advocate for mothers or help them advocate for themselves in a system that is broken. Things have been in the works to change for years, and it looks like some of the changes are on the horizon but until then we have to fight to improve these systems that make it harder for people to recover. This year in less than 2 months I will celebrate 3 years of Recovery the longest I have ever had since my battle began 15 years ago. I never thought I would see the day when I would have multiple years of recovery and I am truly blessed to be given this opportunity as so many who did not have the chance. Today I work full-time as a recovery coach, I have a loving partner, I have full custody of my children, I own a car, I have an apartment, I pay my bills, I have goals, and best of all I am happy. Although I have to work at every day, I am so grateful for my second chance at life because I am currently living a life, I thought wasn’t possible and thought I didn’t deserve it. But IT IS POSSIBLE AND WE DO DESERVE IT BECAUSE WE DO RECOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you are a mom in recovery or trying to be, I started a support group down at Everyday Miracles Peer Recovery Center 25 Pleasant Street Worcester MA. It is called M.I.R.A.C.L.E. MAMA’s and is every Wednesday at 10am-11am and is held during women’s space so only women are in the building, please come down and help support us support moms!